Ask the Experts: “I Want My Mommy (or Daddy)!” ~ Shared Custody Stress
TAV Reader: As divorced parents, what do we do when a child cries and insists that she wants to go with the other parent? There is a set schedule. Is it bad to give into a child who misses her parent? Will her feelings of abandonment and disappointment have a long lasting effect?
Merriam: When a child cries for the other parent (OP), the child is trying to communicate something to you – but it may not be what you think. (I am going to assume for the purposes of this question that the child is young, and not being harmed by the other parent.) The first thing to do is to try to understand what the child is feeling. In a quiet moment when he is not tantrum-ing, ask what is going on for him. “Johnny, it seems like you are having a hard time when it is time to go to Daddy’s each week. I wonder why.” If he can express his feelings, don’t immediately try to problem solve – just reflect back what you hear.
Very young children may be unable to verbalize their feelings. If he is unable to express himself verbally, ask him to draw a picture of what he likes best at Mommy’s house and what he likes best at Daddy’s house to help the conversation start (and remember not to over-interpret what they draw!). If the reasons are concrete and workable (I like your food better, Mommy!) communicate it to the OP - and remember to check your emotions at the door before pressing the send button. If your child is older (over 8), encourage him to talk directly to the OP about the problem he is having, so you are out of the middle.
His reason for crying might be complex, and something even he does not understand. It may be true that he is too young, and the separation time is too long for him. You both may need to rethink your custody arrangement so that the time at each home is shorter (a few days in each home alternating, or a mid-week dinner visit). As the child matures, you can move to a lengthier time in each home (week on, week off). If you are unable to amend the custody plan, make sure the child is free to call the absent parent whenever he needs to. Each home should be a safe place for him to talk freely about missing his other parent, and one where he does not have to hear one parent bad-mouth the other. Give the child a lot of preparation time for the transition to his other house. Establish a routine that is special to you upon drop-off or pick-up. Something simple such as “I will kiss you twice on the cheek and once on your ear every time you leave” can often be the comfort they need. He may need a transitional object, such as a stuffed animal, picture of the parent, a letter or drawing to carry with him to the other house.
If you are having a difficult time emotionally with the divorce, your child might feel the need to care-take you and miss you because he does not want to leave you alone. It is important for you to let the child know, implicitly and explicitly, that you are ok and are happy that he is going to spend time with the OP.
Studies show that a child of divorce can grow up healthy and happy if they are removed from parental conflict and if each parent provides a loving home where the child feels supported and free to talk about the absent parent – AND the custody plan is appropriate to his age in terms of length of separation. If you can provide this for your child, he might miss you, but he will not feel a long lasting sense of abandonment.
Please send your own questions to our resident experts, Melissa and Merriam at experts@takesavillage.net!. Check out their bios for more info on their credentials.
