The basics are pretty, well, basic.  Invite a bunch of friends, their friends, and their friends’ friends.  More people =  more loot!  Have everyone clean out their closets.  Men’s, women’s, and kids clothes can all be welcomed, but of course you can limit it to one area if you prefer.  You don’t have to stop at clothes either, space permitting, you can include all kinds of household items or you can stick to a theme, i.e. children’s books.

I’ve been to several variations, some with rules, some free-for-all.  I personally prefer the latter.   Some people like to keep it “fair” and structured, showing each item to everyone and deciding who wants it most and monitoring the amount of items brought.  Sure, this is a fun way to do it, just not my personal style.  I love a good, no-holds barred pile up… guests place their items in piles, organized by department: Guys, Gals, Kids.  Everyone digs in and grabs what they want!  Sure, it’s less organized and we may leave with less than we brought or vice versa, but there’s a certain clothing karma that applies to these events and in my experience, the act of purging your buildup of unworn outfits and accessories is extremely cathartic.  Plus, if you plan swaps on the regular you may score big the next time around!  My crew tries to get it together seasonally and to integrate a potluck for a full on community event.

What to do with the surplus of unwanted items?  Donate them of course!  Not only is a great thing to do for those in need, but the host can use the receipts for a tax deduction- another way to score!

Stephanie’s Two Cents:

Ooooh, I LOVE me a clothing swap!  I have always heard of them being held but had never been invited to attend one.  Enter- Julie.  She invited me to a clothing swap last year, hosted by Alex (also of TAV) and I have to admit, I’ve been hooked since.  I’m a terrible hoarder when it comes to clothes and tend to have a big problem getting rid of items that no longer fit (I’ll lose the weight one day) or are no longer my style (neon blue mini skirt with orange feather trim.) Yes, I attended a few raves in my day).  Some how going to  a clothing swap is the just the motivation I need to clean out those unneeded items.

Not only have I scored a few great items at clothing swaps but I also get a kick out of seeing other people go crazy over my ignored and neglected items. It’s like giving them a new life.  So yes, one man’s duds are indeed another mans treasure!

Rajina’s Take:

TAV Reader:  A friend’s 3 year old daughter has been hitting as long as we can remember.  She was even waking her dad up with a slap to the face for a while!  The hitting is not limited to her parents; I’ve seen her hit other children as well.

She was not in any kind of daycare when it began and her parents are extremely mellow and passive.  They have tried time-outs,  which did not work, and restraining the child, which worked momentarily, but did not change her behavior overall.

Please give me some advice to pass on to her parents, who are at their wit’s end!  Thanks!

Merriam:  So, if this seems innate, it will be tough to break, but not impossible.  Since it is clear that consequences are not effective, they should try rewards, but it could take a while, and they need to stick to it.

First, they decide on a reward that can be immediate, and meaningful.  For example skittles, m&ms, stickers, – something they know she loves.  Then, every time she doesn’t hit in a situation she has been know to hit before, they reward her, and tell her how proud they are that she did not hit.

If she has a playdate over, preface by telling her “if you don’t hit today, you will get your reward!” and then lather her with praise.  If before bed, tell her “if you wake daddy up with kisses, not hitting, you get your reward” etc.  The prefacing helps to remind her of the behavior that is expected, and the reward reinforces the good behavior.

Kids WANT to do well for us, they love it when we are proud of them and it is a greater motivator than when we are disappointed.  Some parents balk at the candy approach for obvious health concerns.  Some balk at the reward system because they feel it is akin to bribery.  But if the behavior is that much of a concern, this is more likely to work than punishment.  Let me know if they try it, and how it goes.

Melissa:  I would also add that if the parents are too passive and mellow it will be very important for them to “embody” a totally opposite stance when the child hits.  This may be something that does not feel comfortable to them.

It is important when the child hits them for them to hold the child firmly on her shoulders so they can look into her eyes and say, “This is unacceptable”.  It has to come with an energy and a look that lets the child know that mom and dad are serious.

Sometimes when it is counter nature for the parents to be authoritative then a child will really test boundaries to make sure that they are safe.  Part of loving our children is to be firm and draw these very definitive boundaries with them.

Dear Readers, Please comment with your experiences with a child who hits.  What discipline methods have not worked and which have been successful?

Chocolate cake

    serves 12

2 ½ cups Almond Flour

1 ¼ cup coco powder

2 ½ cups sugar

2 ½ tsp baking  powder

1 ¼ tsp baking soda

1 ¼ salt

1 tsp guar gum

12 oz firm tofu

1 ¼ cup soy or almond milk

½ cup canola oil

½  Tbs vanilla

1 ¼ cup water

2  bananas

Preheat the oven to 350°.

In a large bowl mix all the dry ingredients and set aside.

Put all the wet ingredients,  except for the oil, together in a blender and mix well.  Add the oil a to the dry ingredients, then add the wet mixture and incorporate all the ingredients together.

Spray your cake mold with cooking spray to save it from sticking. Bake for about 40 minutes.

Something as simple as searching for a car seat makes me practically break out in hives.  There are hundreds to choose from!  Never mind walking into a store like Babies R Us – that place is insane! Looking at all these advertisements is making me wonder:  Are these companies purposely feeding off of a parent’s anxiety to keep their precious cargo safe?

It reminds me of when I was planning my wedding.  Companies know that, like your wedding day, having a child is another (if not more) important time in your life, and they know that most people will shell out lots of their hard earned cash to make it special.  They thrive on our inexperience & fears, and they make millions.  But do I really need all this stuff to keep my baby safe and happy?  Are 10 different pacifiers really necessary?  

After spending the last 3 years painstakingly sifting through my mothers “collection” of various items (the accidental accumulation of over 30 years of junk), I don’t really care to open my life up to that clutter again.  It just seems so unnecessary.  At this point I’m more concerned with quality over quantity.  I’ve attended too many baby showers where I’ve seen my friends get lots of super “cute” yet super unnecessary items.  Yes, I’m sure the $50 tiny cowboy boots are going to look super cute on the baby, but I’d rather have a nursing pillow thank you.  

Luckily, I have quite a few friends who feel the same way I do.  Fortunately for me these friends are also having kids and going through their own trial & error that I’m benefiting from.   I have an awesome like-minded friend that is planning to share her list with me and I’m so excited to get it!

Now I’m turning to you my fellow villagers.  Would you help me out here?  Would you please take the time to comment about the products that made your life easier and you just couldn’t live with out?  This overwhelmed future mommy would really appreciate it.

+++++++++++

Special thanks to Yvonne Niedergesasess for sharing her amazing registry thus saving me hours of research and anxiety.  I am forever indebted to you.   

Food historian and author Francine Segan delights your eyes and palate with a tour of Italia via an array of sweet treats in her book Dolci:  Italy’s Sweets.  Her cred couldn’t be much more serious; she is the USA Ambassador for the Italian Confectioners and Pasta Association.

Published by Abrams imprint Stewart, Tabori, & Chang this book will not disappoint in its range.  From the expected (cannoli, biscotti) to the lesser known (Sicilian pasta crisps, lemon brioche”rose” cake), these recipes are less daunting than expected.  Mostly simple recipes, calling for easy to come by ingredients with extraordinary results.  The pasta crisps are simple, crispy, and downright addictive.

With recipes aged from the renaissance  to modern day, Segan doesn’t skimp on the fine details.  Each concoction  is headed with its region of origin,  an informative blurb, and an amazing proverb, in both Italian and its English translation.  A favorite of mine is “le buone parole non rompono i denti.” or “Saying something kind won’t break your teeth.”.  So true, and so much fun to say with a makeshift Italian accent.

Valentine’s Day or any day, if you’d like to impress an old pal or you’re looking to “rompere il ghiaccio” with a new one.  (that’s “break the ice,” folks) this hardcover 208 page book will get you there and is a beautiful addition to any kitchen.  Here’s two lucky readers’ chance to win one of their own.

WIN

Abrams imprint Stewart, Tabori & Chang has kindly offered two lucky Takes a Village Readers each their very own copy of Dolci: Italy’s Sweets, each valued at $35!  

To enter simply comment below about what your favorite dessert is.

For extra giveaway entries:

1. Like Takes a Village on Facebook.

2. Like Abrams on Facebook.

3. Follow Takes a Village on Twitter.

4. Follow Abrams on Twitter.

5. Tweet or Blog about this giveaway. (1 entry per day).

6. Join the village on Google Friend Connect on left sidebar.

7. Click to Vote for us on Picket Fences on the right sidebar.

8.  Add Takes a Village to your Google+ circle.

9. Subscribe to our Feed, lower right side.

Giveaway winners will be chosen via Random.org. US only please. Contest ends at 11:59 PST February 14, 2012!

My most recent years have taught me the hard way about making the best of tough situations.  Finding the strength to walk away from a shattered marriage and the once beautiful home that housed it initially zapped all of my energy for use in other areas.

This was particularly a problem when I was on my own with my two beloved girls.  At the ages of 2 and 4, children are already, by nature, high maintenance, in the way that they depend on an adult to meet all of their needs, by no means a burden.  Throw a divorce into the mix, and a 4 year old can turn downright volatile.  How can one expect such a new human being to sort through emotions that have been known to knock a full-grown, “mature” adult on their ass?

Dealing with my own internal chaos while helping her work through hers was the ultimate exercise in self-control and patience.  Luckily the 2 year old was too young to really understand what was going on.  As the parent who finally stood up for myself and took leave from a situation where I was not respected, I appeared to my older daughter as the catalyst for destroying her “happy” home and she made sure I knew it.

So I powered through it, and rolled with the punches, and the tantrums, and the meltdowns.  Believe me I had my own, but they were usually in the form of stifled screams behind a locked bathroom door.  Those moments of solitary “solace”, were essential in reminding myself to breathe and to remember that we would get through this.  And we did.

I kept my composure (sometimes barely), and eventually she understood things as well as a 4 year old can in these cases.  I flooded my girls with love as I always have and eventually the burning anger was extinguished.

After a while on my own, we agreed to joint custody.  Another change.  Another heartbreak.  Missing my sweet girls when they were away, yet often overwhelmed  when they were with me.  As they adjusted to having two homes, I adjusted to living two lifestyles.  Single mom and singular me.  I’m still learning how to be the latter.

My situation is by no means conventional.  I work for my ex-mother-in-law.  So does my ex-husband; it’s his family business.  It used to be mine too; now it’s just weird.  He and I never work at the same time, but mixing work and family is notoriously complicated.  Mixing work and ex-family?  Downright stressful.

The mother-in-law and I used to be super-tight.  That of course changed once I was not in allegiance with her son.  We still have a mostly decent relationship most of the time, excluding when we reach our breaking points.  Mine usually when being criticized on personal matters (i.e. parenting) at the office and hers being my attitude when I am given unwanted advice.  I also tend to be viewed as bit of a punching bag at tax time or other stressful moments, to which I do not react well.

How, and more importantly why do I deal with this?

I remind myself constantly that:

a) I am lucky to have a job at all in this economy.

b) My ability to work in the office only twice weekly and do the rest at home allows me to continue my education, thus creating a future  escape route from my position.

c) I also have time to focus on other things, like this blog and taking some time to reflect on and better myself ~  friends (endless gratitude to them!), yoga, hiking, dollar movies.  Me time.

d) It would be extremely difficult to find another employer so willing to work with my daughters’ school schedules and particularly difficult to find a boss who was thrilled when I had to bring them to the office.

Folks are generally shocked when I tell them where, or more so for whom I work.  Honestly, it really sucks sometimes.  The distance between my old life and my burgeoning new one is not nearly great enough.  But, there is a light at the end of this odd, sometimes dismal tunnel and it’s drawing me closer, like a hopeful moth to a distant flame.

TAV Reader:  My 4 year old constantly picks his nose.  We’ve tried reasoning (germs, grossing out friends), punishing by taking away a toy, and timeouts.  Any advice? We’ll try anything to keep his fingers out of there!  Thank you.

Melissa:  I would recommend talking about where and when it is appropriate to pick your nose.

There should definitely be consequences if he is picking just to test the limits.

Also, a cute handkerchief may not be a bad idea!

The past few weeks have been extremely frustrating for me.  At around 16-18 weeks of pregnancy I started getting bombarded with questions like “Are you feeling the baby move yet?”- “How are those kicks feeling?” – and from my doctor, “Are you keeping track of your baby’s kicks?”.

I know these questions are normal at this stage of pregnancy, but because I wasn’t feeling anything the questions made me, well, paranoid, quite frankly.  I started to wonder: Is something wrong with my baby?  Is something wrong with me?  What the hell is going on?  WHY AM I NOT FEELING MY BABY?!  I know – I tend to be dramatic sometimes….

Fast forward a few weeks:  My husband, mother in law, sister, and I (yes, it was a family affair) went to our second trimester ultrasound screening.  Not only is this screening a time when they measure all the baby’s body parts to see that all is developing properly, but this is also a time when they can get a good look at the baby’s goods and tell you what you’re having.  We were beyond excited!  After a few moments of silence while the technician went to work she asked if we wanted to know the sex.  OF COURSE!  She snapped a shot, and there it was! A tiny little turtle head: My boy’s penis!  After much whooping, and screaming (my sister really wanted a boy & she can get super loud) that I’m sure the whole office heard, I was also told that I have an anterior placenta which explains why I wasn’t feeling my baby.

For those of you that aren’t familiar with the term anterior placenta: It basically means that the placenta is attached to the front of the uterus – shielding the baby from the abdomen. In most cases, the position of the placenta is posterior – towards the back of the uterus.  As my doctor explained it the placenta acts like a pillow, cushioning me from feeling my baby’s kicks and punches.  So, I was just going to have to be patient & wait for my boy to get big enough to karate chop his way through my annoying placenta.  (Kidding! I am totally aware of how important and amazing my placenta is.)

Now in my 22nd week of pregnancy the paranoia is long gone!  This boy is performing some serious martial arts inside of me.  It started as a few very subtle thumps that I almost dismissed as gas, to full blown “my stomach is feeling like a bass drum” kicks!  I have to admit that I’m enjoying every little bit of it.  After feeling like I was robbed for so long I welcome every thump as the tiny little gift that it is.  It’s almost like he’s making up for lost time.  Thank you son for being so active & giving mommy the reassurance I need to know that everything is ok.