A few weekends ago I was reminded of how important ‘girl time’ is. I was invited to one of my best friend’s bridal shower and had a blast! My girlfriend is having an amazing DIY wedding, and she came up with the idea of getting all of her girlfriends together to make different items to be used for her wedding. I was privileged enough to spend the afternoon surrounded by a group of very artistic and crafty women. We all came together for the sole purpose of celebrating our friend by doing our best to make her wedding day gorgeous and special. As I sat there wielding a hot glue gun, it all came flooding back to me. Before being a mommy took up all of my time, I was always dreaming of and actuallymaking different items for friends and family. It was so much a part of my lifestyle I couldn’t hardly imagine myself not always doing it. Yet, here I am with a completely different focus and now I spend my time dreaming up activities that I can do with my son. The days of spending a whole afternoon in front of my sewing machine have now become play dates at the park. I am in no way complaining, but after the weekend with my friends, I realized I miss my crafty time.
As mothers, I think that we become so absorbed in our children we often lose important parts of ourselves. I don’t think it’s intentional – it just seems that our priorities shift. At least for me, the things that were once so important became secondary to my child. So much so that I didn’t even realize how much I was missing it. I think it happens to the best of us. The time with my girlfriends made me realize that I too have needs, and those needs are every bit as important as my child’s needs. Easier said then done, I know, but we mothers need to recognize it and not feel guilty about it. Sometimes it’s important for us to put the kid down and pick ourselves back up again. We will be much better mothers for it .
The short “kid-free” weekend with my friends left me feeling recharged and reenergized. I came back a relaxed, happy and inspired mom. Since then, I’ve made it a point to get back into the things I enjoy. I came home and started my garden (something I haven’t even thought about in the last year), I’m taking steps to start a sewing group to learn to repurpose clothing I already have, and I’m hoping to dust off my sewing machine – and glue gun – and get crafting again.
In the end, I’m grateful to my friends for reawakening the part of me that needs to create something. To think – all it took was an afternoon with friends, wine, glue guns, and the hum of a sewing machine to get me going again. I guess that’s what friends are for. Thanks Ladies!!
I’m not naive. I knew full well that my life was going to change completely when I had my son. I was totally prepared for sleepless nights, painful recovery, and drastic change in my social life; but I have to be honest, I wasn’t prepared for the loss of some very close friendships. Sadly, it turns out that I have some childless friends that have adopted a very “US versus THEM” mentality.
I guess I was naive when I assumed that years of friendship would get us over that hurdle. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. I’ve noticed a serious gap in some of my relationships and to say the least, I’m a little heart broken. After all, I did help some of these pals get through some pretty difficult times. Is it too much to expect that after years of friendship, they would be there to see me though the birth of my first child (or at least check up on me with a quick phone call)?
I do have to admit that I am partly to blame. My whole life (and every FB posting) has become all about my son. In their defense, they probably can’t relate to me anymore.
Luckily, I have also noticed that my friendships with those that do have children have grown even stronger. Honestly, I’m not sure I would have made it through the first few months of parenthood without them. I had no idea what havoc my hormones would reek on my sanity. Without the constant reassurance from my friends that what I was feeling was normal, I would have probably lost it. Really, who’s to say that I didn’t? Kidding. Totally kidding.
I guess it takes major life changes to help you weed out the petty, superficial things and relationships that really don’t work for you anymore. While it is undoubtedly painful to come to the realization that some of these friendships have become petty and superficial, I can only look to the future to help heal those wounds.
In the end, it’s been an interesting transition. I’m finding myself forging new friendships for myself and my son. Thanks to “Mommy and Me” classes, I’ve managed to meet a few moms that have babies around the same age as my boy. The relationships are still pretty new and we are all on our best “mommy” behavior. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get lucky and find a few cocktail swilling, naughty joke telling mammas to pass the time with and help make up for my losses. After all, those other friendships didn’t happen overnight either. I guess only time will tell. I’ll keep you posted…
Of course we all know of the monstrous events that took place in Newtown, Connecticut on Friday. As a nation we collectively weep, ache, and pray for peace for those who were lost and those who survive them.
I don’t believe it is truly possible to empathize with the families who lost loved ones at Sandy Hook Elementary that day. I cannot fathom what they are feeling. The pain will not go away, but with time they will get used to its presence.
There must be a cure to such shocking, incorrigible acts of violence in our society. But there is not just one easy answer. I don’t know how we arrived in a place that such news has become commonplace, but I fear that the population may lose their fury for change as time goes on. We cannot allow this.
It is our responsibility as parents and caregivers to ensure that we continue a productive conversation, and push for change so that our children can learn and grow in a positive and safe environment.
We must look within ourselves, within our morals, and within the bounds of our culture for the means to create a more compassionate community. A place where people are never so ostracized that they act out in violence, a place where it is not so easy to get weapons, and a place where we can provide help to those in need without stigma or judgement.
While there are no words to adequately express our sorrow for the victims and their families, as parents, Americans, and humans our hearts pour love onto those who have suffered and those who still do.
Becoming a mother is a life-changing event for most people and usually women don’t
Mary Cassatt, Mother and Child
know exactly what to expect. Many times you imagine your life as a mother based on stories you have heard from other women, media, or relationship with your own mother. You hear about the joys of motherhood, you hear about the changes in your relationships, you may even hear about how big of a transformation motherhood could be.
It is not always though, that you hear the depths of how intense it is to devote yourself so deeply to another human being. Mothering is truly a deep practice of patience and compassion. Being able to nurture your children in such a way can be completely depleting at times. This is hard for most mothers to admit to one another.
Mothering is a practice of constant balancing and making sure not just the basic survival needs of the children are getting met, but also the physical, emotional and spiritual needs. Day in and day out of problem solving, nurturing and giving so much of yourself can be quite a task.
It seems there is always a certain amount of self-doubt and guilt that mothers carry. The job of raising a child seems so much more important than anything else that you have done in your life. This is a living being and you are responsible for the outcome. Wow, that is a really a heavy statement to endure! The truth is that there is no such thing as perfection. As much as you strive to achieve it, it is unattainable and yet most mothers have the constant pressure of “getting it right”.
The problem is that there is so much shame about admitting what may be difficult. It is so important for mothers to not only discuss milestones that their children are reaching or what is on sale at the mall, but also to talk about challenges and the parts of motherhood that aren’t always pleasant.
It seems that vulnerability is so undervalued in our society that it prevents mothers from having true community. Although, being truthful about these difficulties can bring about real connection between women. This level of connection is essential when raising children. You cannot form community without people really knowing all parts of yourself, both good and bad. First though, you need to accept and honor those parts of yourself.
If you have no real community as a mother, it is easy to fall right into a depression.
Elizabeth Catlett (1915), I Am The Negro Woman
It is easy to believe that you may not be doing things “right”. The more you allow yourself to be vulnerable and really connect about your process, the more confidence you will gain in the long run. It is so important for mommies to have other mommy friends that you can share deeply with.
So why is it so hard to be vulnerable? The overwhelming idea of having to be a “perfect mother” may make you feel like you may judged if you admit your having trouble with certain aspects of mothering or your relationship. The truth is that the self-doubt, the trouble grappling to find your inner strength, and the persistence and ability to not give in are things that every mom experiences to some level. These are struggles that every human being experiences to some level.
Why is that it may seem like mothering comes so easy for some? Like when you are food shopping you may see another mom out with her four well-behaved children at her side. So why do you struggle with bringing just one to the market? The truth is that there are many different factors that come into play. Children have different temperaments and frustration levels and so do mothers.
Besides, when you are out and see other mom’s with their kids, you are only seeing what is on the outside, on the inside you are probably having such similar struggles. Mother’s need to connect more about what is truly going on in their lives, the good, the bad and everything in between. Deep connections can bring about more health and well-being not only to mom, but also to the whole family.
Five rules for mothers to live by:
1) Find a best friend that is also a mother. Someone you can express your darkest feelings to and know they won’t judge you. Talk, talk, and keep talking.
2) Know there is no such thing as perfection. Try your best, and accept where you are.
3) Find something you love to do and do it as often as possible. Nurture yourself and don’t expect anyone else to do it for you.
4) Be honest with yourself, know your limits, and honor them. Try not to take on more than you can handle.
5) Mother your children by your own family values and nobody else’s.
