Category Archives: Parenting Advice

Ask the Experts ~ Digging In: Quick Advice on How to Keep a Nose Picker In Check

by Melissa Posted on January 30, 2012

TAV Reader:  My 4 year old constantly picks his nose.  We’ve tried reasoning (germs, grossing out friends), punishing by taking away a toy, and timeouts.  Any advice? We’ll try anything to keep his fingers out of there!  Thank you.

Melissa:  I would recommend talking about where and when it is appropriate to pick your nose.

There should definitely be consequences if he is picking just to test the limits.

Also, a cute handkerchief may not be a bad idea!

Posted in Ask the Experts, Behavior, Manners, Parenting Advice | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

The Decisions We Make: Dog vs. Baby

by S. Garcia Posted on January 25, 2012

Before being a mother of two children, I was the proud mother of a pup named Petey.

Petey, was the most abnormal of specimens. He was a basset hound. But not like just ANY basset hound. His coat was course and dapple like a Dalmatian. His legs were short and mal formed. His eyes were soulful and the sweet soul sucked on his over sized ears, as if he were a child sucking his thumb. I loved him, immediately, and for eight years he was my child.

That all changed the day I delivered my first child.

I delivered a beautiful 5 pound, 10 ounce baby girl with a set of lungs that only Tommy Mottola could appreciate. She was the light of our lives.

For six weeks, it was a constant power struggle between the two of them. My daughter would cry and Petey would “mark” his territory.  Petey would bark and my daughter would cry.  At any given time, one of them would be protesting the other’s existence.  This situation was not exactly what I had planned.  I’d envisioned my loyal basset hound standing guard as my newborn and I peacefully slept.  Boy was I wrong.

Now, don’t get me wrong… I tried all the recommended advice…

1. Obedience classes before the baby arrives.

2. Having your dog thoroughly checked out by a veterinarian before your baby comes home. This will give you time to deal with parasites or other problems that could pose a family health risk.

3. Letting your dog get used to the sights, smells and sounds of a baby in advance. Let her sniff baby blankets and lotions, and get her used to the sounds of rattles and other baby toys.

4. Before bringing your baby home from the hospital, send home a blanket or gown that the baby has been wrapped in. This will get your dog used to the baby’s scent.

5. Let Dad or someone else carry the baby inside at the first homecoming, so that Mom is free to greet the dog with open arms. That way the dog will be less jealous of her attentions to the baby.

6. Praise your dog when you’re near the baby so she will think of the child as a positive influence on her life’she gets praised more when the baby is around.

7. Reassure your dog, each time your baby cries, that this is a normal sound, and train her not to bark when she hears it. Use positive reinforcement as much as possible, a treat or a hug for doing the right thing.

8. Spend one-on-one time with your dog while the baby is napping, or during walk time (your baby can ride along in a sling or front-pack).

After all that failed… I had a husband who resented me, a child who couldn’t sleep and a dog who was no longer the center of my universe.

As a mother, I made the difficult decision to adopt out my beloved pet.

I’m here to tell you that it’s ok.

As a mom you make tough decisions and heartbreaking sacrifices. Sure, it may start off with a pampered pup you’d grown to love for eight years but it won’t end there. As a mother and wife, we will forever brush aside our sadness, sweep away our resentments and solely thrive on the love of our families.  It is what sets us aside from the general population and makes us mothers.

Please share any tough decisions that you have had to make for the greater good of your family. 

Posted in Parenting Advice | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments

When Logic Fails and Colic Takes Over

by S. Garcia Posted on January 21, 2012

“Trust me, I am a nurse.”  I often find myself telling people that.  On a daily basis, I’m thrown random medical questions from family and friends.  I am able to throw emotions aside, weed threw facts and Google my way to logical answers to questions such as, “ When will the burning stop?”, “Am I still contagious?”, or “ Is it supposed to be green?”.  I have been trained to handle all types of stressful situations such as severed fingers, sprained ankles, and the occasional broken limb.  Nurses’ brains are trained to be very rational.  If there’s a problem, there usually is a definitive reason and with that comes a reasonable solution.  Got a cough? I’ll give you a cough suppressant. Got an allergy?  I’ll give you an antihistamine.  Got a Boo-Boo?  I’ll kiss it to make it all better.

Give me a colicky baby though, and my whole world turns up-side- down.

No soon-to-be parent ever imagines that their sweet bundle of joy for whom they so patiently waited for nine months, will keep them up for hours screaming vulnerably in your arms as you try to console them.

So the moment my sweet angel cries, my very logical mind takes over… Baby cries.  Change diaper.  Baby still cries.  Give bottle.  Baby continues to cry.  Burp.  Baby STILL cries.  Rock to sleep.  BABY STILL CONTINUES TO CRY!  Mommy starts to cry herself.  As a nurse, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that babies can cry for no apparent reason.  As a mom, it breaks my heart knowing there is no way of consoling my helpless and distraught infant.

10 weeks ago, I gave birth to my second child and time itself, has seemed to stop.  Any parent of a colicky child knows exactly what I’m talking about.  The moment you cannot calm your child, time seems to suspend and every second feels like an eternity.  I’m here to tell you… you’re not alone.  Although, there is no known cause for colic, I have some simple ways to help you survive through this torrential time.

First, let’s look at what a colicky baby looks like:

  1. Cries for a long time in despite of your attempt to comfort.
  2. Has the signs and symptoms of gas pains.
  3. Has a hard, bloated stomach, with knees pulled to the chest, clenched fists, flailing arms and legs, and an arched back.
  4. Experiences recurrent sleeplessness, irritability and fussiness.

Now, some theoretical “causes”

  1. Immature digestive system: muscles that are used in digestion have not developed the suitable rhythm for moving food efficiently throughout the digestive tract.
  2. Certain foods eaten by lactating mothers may be passed through breast milk to baby and cause gas and bloating.
  3. Infants frequently swallow air during feedings or strenuous crying, which increases gas and bloating, further adding to their discomfort.

Blah, blah, blah…

Last, but not least, some things that have helped ME and MY baby when changing, feeding and comforting your baby fails:

  1. Set up a feeding schedule, a set routine can calm and comfort a baby.
  2. Try Gripe water; this is a homeopathic remedy for various stomach ailments.
  3. Try a mild, easy to digest diet such as Nutramigen Formula (If formula feeding) but consult with your pediatrician first.
  4. Chamomile tea (no more than 4 ounces daily) helps relax the intestinal tract.
  5. A good pro-biotic, such as The Baby Jarro-Dophilus probiotic works miracles.
  6. Swaddling does wonders!
  7. If you suspect acid reflux (like my little one) thicken the formula/breastmilk with 1 tablespoon of rice cereal for every 4 ounces of formula/ breastmilk or consult your Pediatrician for useful prescriptions.
  8. Find a good stress reliever for mom, such as deep breathing or help from a partner.
  9. Sit or bathe with baby with skin-to-skin contact
  10. Put your baby in a wind-up swing.  Turn on some music.
  11. Rock or jiggle the crib.

All of these suggestions come from my own personal experience as a mother of two (and not as a nurse).  Always consult your pediatrician first before introducing anything new into your baby’s diet or routine.

On a final note, although it might feel like an eternity, colic does not last forever.  Before you know it, your little angel will be sleeping peacefully through the night and you will once again return to the (semi) sane adult you once were before you were introduced to the little devil that kept you awake all those months.

I can tell you from experience, the day your baby is able to finally smile at you, regardless of how many tears were shed (theirs and/or yours) in the months prior; it is worth every moment of sleep lost.

Trust me, I’m a mom.

 

 

Posted in Health, Parenting Advice | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Discipline Diaries: Part One

by Gabrielle Posted on January 16, 2012

Reality Check: My Kid’s a B**t!

(rhymes with cat)

Even as I start writing under that heading I feel a creeping sense of shame and betrayal.  Like I have broken the first golden rule of parenting: “Thou Shalt Not Speak Ill of Thine Own Offspring.”  A la booming voice from the sky.  As a parent your first call of duty is to protect your kids.  You don’t talk badly about them, you build them up.  You encourage them in every way towards healthy self-esteem, and give them limitless opportunity to express themselves.  But what happens when that “expression” becomes rude, obnoxious, embarrassing behaviour?  Well, it has come to my attention that my daughter is headed for the position as Mayor of Bratsville if I don’t get a handle on the situation right now.

We live in an era of helicopter, attachment, and tiger style parenting – the digital and information age, of self-help and how-to.  With the plethora of parenting books on the market, it’s like there’s no excuse for not having an honorary degree in early childhood development, if you want to call yourself a parent.  Beyond that, there is an unspoken pressure, whether we admit it or not, on social media sites, to post pics of our happy families-mid bliss, with proud commentary about  our darling offspring.  (I’m as guilty as the next gal).

But errrrrrrr…stop the record!  Parenting is exhausting.  Let me spell that out so it comes across really clearly, parenting is E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-N-G.    I mean, yes yes, of course it’s a delight and a joy almost every minute.  But the rest of the time you are struggling to keep up…. How do I burn off all her energy?  How do I do it productively?  Did she get enough to eat?  Was it healthy?  Was it organic?  When’s that next doctor appointment?  Does she have enough friends?  Did she just say thank you? How’s her language development?  I need to sign her up for preschool… I need to do laundry…pay bills…do dishes..blah blah blah, we all know it never ends. And in midst of all that you have to mold and maintain behavioral control of  a sprouting, effervescent, intellectual, spiritual life!!

And lest we take the weight of that duty lightly- there’s a reason guns, whips, shackles and bars have historically been the tools for controlling human beings… Because its HARD!!! Humans want freedom.  We want to explore, be curious, be expressive, and nowhere is that more apparent than in the up and down, moment-to-moment antics of a toddler.  Yet parents ad educators have that duty every day, to mold and maintain control simultaneously.

In my own life I have always had an aversion to discipline. I battled it til I bled and in the end, having my children is what really forced discipline into my life.  I ran from my mother and her methods of discipline and I am utterly terrified of creating that type of distance between myself and my kids.  I live in the constant fear that my kids will run away from me like I ran away from my own parents.  So maybe I’ve been a little lax on the discipline.   Maybe one too many times I thought “Oh, it’s okay, there’s no harm, she’s only (insert age here).”   But on a recent outing Christmas shopping with my mother in law… my laissez-faire attitude came back to bite me in the ass.

While perusing a book store with MIL, my 2 ½ yr old and  5 month old (in stroller) I lost control.  I mean, I lost total control of my daughter.  I let her out of the stroller before we went in the store (first mistake) and while I was momentarily distracted, she took off like some kind of banshee track star.  She was up and down the aisles of that book shop faster than I could keep up, screaming in that high pitched Mariah Carey-esque squeel, that only toddlers can accomplish, for a solid 5 minutes.  It was an eternity.  I bounced between being mortified and just wanting to run away.  But I couldn’t.  I wrangled my child amidst the gawks of onlookers and we managed to get outside.

Once clear of the store I turned to my MIL, and exclaimed “I don’t know what to do with her.  She’s out of control!”  Accepting my invitation for counsel, she said the first thing needed was creation of boundaries and that those boundaries need to be consistent, because children respond best to consistency.  So I can only assume that if I am able to consistently, non-violently, create boundaries for my children, they will respond with appropriate behaviour.  But didn’t I just say discipline was hard for me?  So really in disciplining her I am disciplining myself… towards consistency.  Its clearly a learning process for both of us.

Now as I am in the midst of negotiating the ins and outs of disciplining my child, I’m asking, where do I begin?  When do I draw the line and how do I find the energy to do it?  How do I discipline with non-violence?  Also, how do I discipline according to the specific characteristics of my childrens personalities?  Ergo-Discipline perhaps?  I wonder if it might be best to not take a broad sweeping approach to discipline.  One size does not necessarily fit all when disciplining kids.

How about you, reader? Are you learning how to discipline? Have you already learned?  What works or hasn’t worked for you and your children?

We at Takes a Village would like to invite you to share your experiences with discipline or lack of it!  Your trials and triumphs will be posted as part of a continuing dialogue, the “Discipline Diaries.”  Feel free to respond anonymously if you wish.  Please send responses to contact@takesavillage.net or simply comment here.

I will also be reporting back with my own battles and hopefully victories, as well as the development of the Ergo-Discipline theory.

Posted in Behavior, Discipline, Family, Manners, Multi-tasking, Parenting Advice, Theory, Villagers | Tagged , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Right on the Money: Chores vs. Allowance

by Julie Posted on January 5, 2012

It’s pretty easy to let time slip by without acknowledging your children’s capabilities.  Not that we don’t praise them for every little thing; I’m talking about realizing that a kid can physically do more to help around the house.

We get into a routine of doing everything for the wee ones, and sometimes overlook that they can do more in addition to it being good for them.  Giving a child chores not only makes them feel that they are an capable and important member of the family, but it also teaches them independence and life skills.  Starting at a young age with small tasks instills self-worth and gets them in the habit of pitching in.

My girls are six and almost four.  I’ve found that being very specific is a big help in getting things done.  Rather than just “clean your room”, saying -for example- “Please put all your dolls on your bed and your dirty clothes in the hamper” proves to be much more effective.  Both girls are getting into the rhythm and know what is expected of them on a daily basis and now are doing helpful things like clearing their plates to the kitchen and cleaning up one play area before starting something new! This makes for a neater house and a much less stressed and happy Mom!

At the same time, my growing girls are interested in all kinds of stuff that for better or worse, entails buying it.  Like it or not, pretty early on, the “I want this, I want that” phase kicks in.  Unfortunately this tends to be one of the longer phases of childhood, lasting a lifetime for many! One way I’ve found that positively approaches the “I wants” is by instilling the values of saving upon my girls. Although my little one is still a bit too young, my eldest is starting to grasp the concept of money.

For a while I’ve been contemplating how to incorporate an allowance into my household. How do you differentiate between pulling your weight in the family and teaching the concept of earning some cash for a job well done? She received some monetary holiday gifts and opted to buy a couple of things and save the rest for a rainy day.  We even opened a kids’ bank account with online access so she can see how savings grow! Since growth is often slow, you can opt to make matching contributions from time to time for good merits, holidays and birthdays. Don’t be afraid to let your relatives know about your your little savers either!

I asked our resident experts for their two cents (pun fully intended).

Here are Merriam’s thoughts, “At my house, I wrote detailed instructions on how I want specific chores done, made cards that I colored with stickers, and laminated each card and put it on the fridge (makes it more appealing).  We have a chart that delineates which kid does which chore on a given weekend, and since the instructions are written out, they can’t pretend they don’t know how to do it.  They get an allowance if they complete their chores and the amount of chores and money is based on their age. 10% goes to savings and 5% to charity.  They don’t get the actual cash, but instead the amounts are tracked on a chart on the fridge.  I figure that although no one pays me to clean around the house, it isn’t unreasonable to expect to be paid for work.  However, since I have to pay for expenses, so do they.  If they want to buy anything (outside of school clothes) – including movies, ice cream, toys – it comes out of the non-savings part of their allowance.  So I get help with the house and they get to learn how to earn and spend their own money.  Note that my kids are 9, 11, and 14 and I don’t think this would work with younger kids, nor do I think younger kids need an allowance!”

I am in awe of Merriam’s organizational skills and while I know that  personally I’m far less orderly, I will definitely be drawing from these great ideas in the future, particularly the mandatory percentages donated and saved.  Presently, I’m allowing my girls to spend their earnings when they choose and with my guidance.  I’ve stressed the importance of altruism on other levels.  When they tire of a toy they tell me that they’d like to give it to a kid whose parents don’t have money for toys, so I can proudly say it’s sinking in.  As for the minimum age for starting an allowance, I think it’s case by case; my eldest is really embracing and learning from the experience.

Melissa’s response reinforced my ideas;  “I think that there is a difference been household expectations(clothes in laundry, dishes in sink, clean up your room, etc.) and paid chores. Paid chores are not daily expectations. Chores can look different for different age groups. They can vary from collecting and taking out the trash to helping unload silverware from dishwasher and sort it.”

This is exactly how I’ve been handling it!  Our “extras” for pay have included doing laundry ~ the six year old can do a load from start to finish and the three year old is extremely helpful too.  Added bonus ~ we have a blast at the laundromat together!  Other earners include sweeping and Swiffering kitchen floor (actually voluntarily) and dusting furniture.

A wise friend told me that she had introduced her middle school son  to collecting recycling and bringing it to a center in exchange for cash.  What an amazing idea!  Helping the planet while earning!  My six year old is so excited that we’re taking her first collection to our local recycling center tomorrow and so am I.

I feel that I’m instilling valuable life long lessons in my girls.  I’m hoping interest doesn’t wane, but also don’t want money to be too primary a focus.  That’s why I consistently remind them that the best things in life are still for free.

 

Posted in Alowance, Altruism, charity, Commitment, Parenting Advice, Villagers | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Preparing for Birth: All By Myself?

by Stephanie Posted on January 3, 2012

Tonight I’m headed to the first of many classes for which I’ve registered in order to prepare myself for the awe inspiring process of giving birth.  As I progress in my pregnancy, getting closer to my due date, I can’t help but get really involved in trying to learn all the information I can get my hands on (and trust me people there is a lot!).  I realize there is no way in hell I’m going to learn it all, but a girl can try!  This is coming from someone who won’t purchase anything on Amazon without reading each and every review on there, ok?  So I can’t help it.

On my quest to become the Yoda of the birthing experience I’m running into information overload.  It’s coming from everywhere!  Not only am I learning information from books & websites, but I’m now starting to ask my friends about their birthing experiences, and then, of course, there’s always the unsolicited advice of strangers.

All this knowledge has really got me wondering: How did such an intensely personal experience become something that is so openly discussed and debated? Everyone has an opinion (even men), and everyone thinks their way is right. People are quite opinionated, and almost self righteous with their beliefs.  I have to admit – I’m baffled.    What makes someone think their birthing process is better then someone else’s?  And what gives you the right to tell anyone how to birth their babies?   In the end it’s up to the woman that is doing all the work, isn’t it?

As I meander through everyone’s well intended advice – I’ll just have to take it all in stride.  The crazy part is that when it comes down to me actually giving birth – all of this conjecture is going to fly out the window with my first contraction.

Posted in birthing techniques, birthing techniques, Parenting Advice, Pregnancy, Villagers | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Martinelli’s is the New Moet

by Julie Posted on December 31, 2011

To state the obvious, New Year’s takes on a whole new meaning once you have children.  It’s not just a different type of celebration ~ no more pounding bottles of Remy Martin or whatever and drunkenly wandering the streets in the earliest hours of next year’s eerie quiet.  Those can’t be my memories alone, can they?

Years of being told that time speeds as we age truly catch up with us when we have kids.  I can’t believe it’s been a year since the last ball dropped.  I can’t believe my baby girl is about to turn 4.

Because of the  clock’s seeming rapidity, I made some early resolutions.  The most important being to be more present in my girls’ lives.  Not to say I was ever uninvolved ~ one of my weekly highlights is volunteering  in the first grade.  I help with homework, read tons of books, go to the park, and pretend to be everything under the sun.

What I’ve cut back on is multi-tasking.  It works at every other time, in our fast paced society, but I will no longer allow myself to half-listen to a day’s preschool drama because I am too involved with texting or scoring points in “Words with Friends”.  My daughters deserve my undivided attention and since my time with them is divided due to joint custody, my attention must not be.

I’m looking forward to a mellow, cuddly celebration this evening and watching the ball drop east coast time so we can all be asleep long before the break of 2012′s dawn.

Happy New Year everyone and here’s to giving our kids what they deserve…. our whole selves!

 

Posted in Gratitude, Holidays, Parenting, Parenting Advice, Villagers | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Ask the Experts: When Sharing is Not a Virtue

by Merriam Posted on December 27, 2011

TAV Reader:  We’ve taught our children to share.  Now that my daughter is in elementary school we’ve found a grey area.  The children are allowed to bring snacks for recess and I always pack one for my child.  However, many other children don’t bring their own snacks and expect to eat my daughter’s snack.  Some of them ask politely, some not so much. Either way my daughter feels pressured and obligated to share and ends up with very little snack for herself.  She’s even asked me to pack more snacks for the other kids!  I told her this is their parents’ job and she should tell the kids to bring their own so they can all share, but it hasn’t changed a thing.  How can I teach her that it’s not her responsibility to feed her classmates without contradicting the idea that sharing is a virtue?

Merriam:  Teaching children to share is one of parenting’s greatest natural challenges.  It goes against a child’s natural survival instinct and her natural developmental stage of being me-centered.  So if your child is feeling compelled to share, you should congratulate yourself on your successful cultivation of her empathy.

That being said, sharing food at school is a different story.  For numerous reasons, including food allergies, nutrition plans, germ spreading, and the very challenges your daughter is facing, most schools have a no-sharing policy – although it is difficult to enforce and rarely policed.

I would encourage you to approach her teacher with her dilemma.  If she is a good teacher, it should provide for a terrific teachable moment for the class on when it is and is not appropriate to share, while reminding the class of the no-food sharing policy.  If there is no policy at her school, her teacher should still be able to help you.

At the very least, you can empower your daughter by suggesting she tell her friends that “my mommy doesn’t allow me to share my food anymore, but you can come for a playdate and have a snack at my house sometime.”  If she is uncomfortable saying that, another option is to put a little extra in a separate container which can be her “sharing container” – once it is empty, sharing is over.   Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 Please send your own questions to our resident experts, Melissa and Merriam at experts@takesavillage.net!. Check out their bios for more info on their credentials.
Posted in Behavior, Manners, Parenting Advice, School, Sharing, Villagers | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Stop and Smell the Roses: Lessons learned from a child with Special needs

by Rachel Posted on December 19, 2011

We live in a fast paced world.  You can get everything from coffee to your dry cleaning through a drive-thru window.  We live in a high tech super speed society.  We put the same fast paced demands on our children.  We want them to walk early and talk early.  We want them to be the smartest and the fastest child in preschool.  We want them to learn to read before they enter kindergarten.

When you have a child with special needs all the normal timelines don’t apply to you.  You quickly realize that the words fast and first don’t fit into your vocabulary.

What you do learn is this:   you learn to STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES. When you have to wait years for your child to walk, you appreciate all the little baby steps along the way.  When you have to wait years and years for your child to speak their first words, you learn to appreciate every utterance made along the journey.

In the special needs world I cherish everything that my son does.  In the typical world the things that I praise him for are already expected for a child his age.  I don’t mind; they are all victories to me.

The greatest lesson I have learned is to stop and smell the roses.  I have learned to slow down and appreciate all the things that my son does.  All of his accomplishments are celebrated be they big or small.  I have learned to celebrate the little things in life.

I am not worried if my son will win the race, I am just happy if he gets out and runs.

 I don’t care that my son didn’t walk until he was 2 years old, because he walks now.

 I don’t care if my son can’t tie his own shoes; at least he has two feet to put them on.

 I don’t care if my son didn’t’ speak clearly until he was 3, he can talk just fine now.

 I don’t care if my son doesn’t have perfect vision, because he looks great in his glasses!

You know what I do care about?

I care about living in the moment with my child. This is what my son does without even trying.  It is such a beautiful quality that he possesses.  He lives for the moment.  He isn’t thinking to himself about whether or not he could ride that bike last week, he is just thinking about peddling his feet right now.  He isn’t thinking about the words he couldn’t articulate last week.  He is just thinking about sounding them out now,  placing his tongue exactly where it needs to be in his mouth and sounding out that utterance for his therapist.

If you talk to a thousand special needs parents they would all tell you the same thing.   Enjoy your child; enjoy the little things, slow down…STOP TO SMELL THE ROSES.  These are all lessons we have learned from our “exceptional” children.

Posted in Behavior, Development, Gratitude, Parenting Advice, Special Needs, Villagers | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments