Ask the Experts: How to Stop a Chronic Hitter!
TAV Reader: A friend’s 3 year old daughter has been hitting as long as we can remember. She was even waking her dad up with a slap to the face for a while! The hitting is not limited to her parents; I’ve seen her hit other children as well.
She was not in any kind of daycare when it began and her parents are extremely mellow and passive. They have tried time-outs, which did not work, and restraining the child, which worked momentarily, but did not change her behavior overall.
Please give me some advice to pass on to her parents, who are at their wit’s end! Thanks!
Merriam: So, if this seems innate, it will be tough to break, but not impossible. Since it is clear that consequences are not effective, they should try rewards, but it could take a while, and they need to stick to it.
First, they decide on a reward that can be immediate, and meaningful. For example skittles, m&ms, stickers, – something they
know she loves. Then, every time she doesn’t hit in a situation she has been know to hit before, they reward her, and tell her how proud they are that she did not hit.
If she has a playdate over, preface by telling her “if you don’t hit today, you will get your reward!” and then lather her with praise. If before bed, tell her “if you wake daddy up with kisses, not hitting, you get your reward” etc. The prefacing helps to remind her of the behavior that is expected, and the reward reinforces the good behavior.
Kids WANT to do well for us, they love it when we are proud of them and it is a greater motivator than when we are disappointed. Some parents balk at the candy approach for obvious health concerns. Some balk at the reward system because they feel it is akin to bribery. But if the behavior is that much of a concern, this is more likely to work than punishment. Let me know if they try it, and how it goes.
Melissa: I would also add that if the parents are too passive and mellow it will be very important for them to “embody” a totally opposite stance when the child hits. This may be something that does not feel comfortable to them.
It is important when the child hits them for them to hold the child firmly on her shoulders so they can look into her eyes and say, “This is unacceptable”. It has to come with an energy and a look that lets the child know that mom and dad are serious.
Sometimes when it is counter nature for the parents to be authoritative then a child will really test boundaries to make sure that they are safe. Part of loving our children is to be firm and draw these very definitive boundaries with them.
Dear Readers, Please comment with your experiences with a child who hits. What discipline methods have not worked and which have been successful?
