Author Archives: Melissa

Ask the Expert: How to Tame a “Spirited” Child

by Melissa Posted on May 7, 2012

TAV Reader:  What’s the best way to address your toddler when they act aggressively toward you?  My 3 year old hits, kicks, and tells me that she doesn’t love me.

She laughs at my efforts of non-emotional discipline.  For example,  I tell her “when you hit me it makes me sad” or “hitting is not ok and it hurts”.  When I’ve  put her in time-out she laughs at that too.  When I look away and try to not acknowledge her bad behavior, she gets very upset and hits again, bites, or pulls my hair!  Is there another option besides an exorcism?  Please help!

Melissa:  It sounds like she is really testing her boundaries.  It is important to tell her that it makes you feel sad, but at the same time, and even more importantly, you need to lay down the law!

When she says that she doesn’t love you, you need to look her in the eyes, with mama lioness eyes, and tell her it is unacceptable to speak like this.  If she continues or starts hitting or kicking,you need to physically restrain her or move out of her reach.  Do not let her near you until the behavior stops.

If you are not home and cannot put her in her room, you can sit her on your lap and hold her legs with yours, hugging her arms so she can’t hit or kick you.  It is important to stay calm and give her definitive rules around this behavior.  Don’t play the victim or she will continue in the abusive/ victimizing role.

Get tough and draw boundaries.  Find your inner lioness!

Readers, please share any experiences you’ve had with your child acting out violently.  What’s worked for you  disciplie-wise and what hasn’t?
Posted in Ask the Experts, Behavior, Discipline, Hitting, Parenting Advice, tantrums | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ask the Experts: Discipline some one else’s kid?!?!

by Melissa Posted on March 23, 2012

TAV Reader:  When your child is playing with a friend who is bullying and misbehaving, how should you handle the situation if the other parent doesn’t intervene?  This recently happened with a friend’s almost 3 year old daughter, the other parent obviously saw her daughter grab a toy from another child.  The other child was very upset, but the grabber’s mom didn’t do anything about it.

Melissa:  It is never a comfortable situation if another parent is not disciplining their child and your child is the victim of their misbehavior.  I think it is important to intervene and teach your child how to stand up for themselves.  You want to role model that it is NOT okay for people to act unkindly towards others.

I would simply get down to the child’s level and tell the grabber that it is not okay to take a toy out of your child’s hand and to please give it back.

If the child is persistent and will not listen to you, the next step would be to confront the mother. It is never to early to teach our children to stand up for themselves!!!!

Dear Readers, Please comment with your experiences with unresponsive parents.  What have you encountered and how did you handle the situation?

Remember, Melissa is here to answer your behavioral questions!  Please feel free to ask at: experts@takesavillage.net or via a comment below.
Posted in Ask the Experts, Behavior, Discipline, Parenting Advice, Sharing, Villagers | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Ask the Experts ~ Digging In: Quick Advice on How to Keep a Nose Picker In Check

by Melissa Posted on January 30, 2012

TAV Reader:  My 4 year old constantly picks his nose.  We’ve tried reasoning (germs, grossing out friends), punishing by taking away a toy, and timeouts.  Any advice? We’ll try anything to keep his fingers out of there!  Thank you.

Melissa:  I would recommend talking about where and when it is appropriate to pick your nose.

There should definitely be consequences if he is picking just to test the limits.

Also, a cute handkerchief may not be a bad idea!

Posted in Ask the Experts, Behavior, Manners, Parenting Advice | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Ask the Experts: How to Deal with Extra-Curricular Drop-outs

by Melissa Posted on November 28, 2011

Julie:  What do you do when your child wants to quit an extra-curricular activity? Both of my girls were taking gymnastics.  The 3 year old first decided she didn’t like it anymore.  She wants to wait to take a dance class after she turns 4 and it’s available for her age group.  My 6 year old stuck with it and LOVED her class, but after missing a couple of weeks she doesn’t want to go back.  I don’t want to force anything on them, but I really want them to do an athletic activity as there’s no phys ed at school.  Any tips?

Melissa:  I am a firm believer in commitment, although before age 6, I am not sure if kids can understand the word commitment enough to “commit”.  I think if the kids are over 6 that it is important before signing them up to make sure they agree to the terms of the activity. If it is a team sport especially, there is no getting out of it once signed up. It is important for them to understand that they are not just committing to themselves, but to the whole team and they need to see it through until the end.

I think before age 6, don’t sign them up for anything that there is no getting out of.  They hardly know if they are going to like an activity, much less want to commit to it.  I always ask if we could do a trial class before signing up.  Kids that young are so fickle, it is not realistic to expect them to consistently like anything. (for example the toys they are in love with one day, are forgotten the next week).

I know it can feel disappointing to have the kids drop out after doing an activity for awhile.  That is why I think it is important to make an agreement about how long they are going to be doing it before signing up.  This way they know what to expect, and exactly what they are choosing to commit to.  I think it is totally okay to give them time off of something that they once previously loved.  If they really have passion for it, they will eventually want to go back.

Never stop having them try new activities. It is amazing how much you can find for them to try.  I think for the over 6 group it is important to have them commit to one physical activity to teach them the value of caring for their physical being and setting the groundwork for a lifetime.

Please send your own questions to our resident experts, Melissa and Merriam at experts@takesavillage.net!. Check out their bios for more info on their credentials.
Posted in Ask the Experts, Behavior, Commitment, Exercise, Extra curricular Activity, Parenting Advice, Physical Fitness, Villagers | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Fostering Gratitude

by Melissa Posted on November 25, 2011

During the wonderful holiday season children often get bombarded with presents. Are you pleading with your children to say please and thank you for the gifts they have received? Do you wonder if they really know what is means to feel appreciation and gratitude?

Let me ease your mind a little by saying that gratitude and appreciation are not always inherent qualities that children come into the world with. The good news is that gratitude is a trait that can be learned.

So how do we teach our children to be grateful? The best way to teach our children anything is by modeling it ourselves. Sometimes it helps to be a little overdramatic and really emphasize our thankfulness to make sure they notice. Kids are little mirrors of their parents and we have the power to teach them so much just by being the person that we want them to be.

Remembering to teach gratitude all year long and be consistent with it is the only way it will catch on. You can point out things daily to remind our children why we should be grateful.  Every day activities can become rituals of gratitude. For example giving thanks before eating, dressing, or even being together with our children are all opportunities to be grateful for.

Depending on how old your children are it can be a powerful experience to take them to do service work for the less fortunate. This is always a beautiful reality check, not just for our children, but for ourselves as well. Gratitude develops naturally when you realize that everything you have is not a given for everyone.  It is easy even for parents to forget that we are fortunate for so many things. It is important to constantly keep putting this into perspective.

During the holiday season we especially want our children to be grateful. The truth is that we need to practice it all year long in order to let is set in. With any wonderful value that we want our children to learn, we have to remember that it does take some effort on our part. Being mindful of ways that we can be thankful during the whole year can go a long way during the holidays!

Melissa is one of the Village’s resident Children’s Mental Health Experts.  Please feel free to email her relevant questions to be featured in a future article at experts@takesavillage.net.

Posted in Behavior, Gift Giving, Gratitude, Holidays, Manners, Parenting Advice, Villagers | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments